Tagged with funny

HOMELESS NEWS: LOVE YOUR ENEMIES

HOMELESS NEWS: LOVE YOUR ENEMIES

Homeless News reports the Reverend Jesse Lee Peterson, President and Founder of The Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny says, “Since feminists have gone unchallenged for decades, many have become fascists in pantsuits who tolerate zero dissent.” and waxes eloquent that “The feminists’ fake outrage over what men say is absurd. How about the rights and … Continue reading

HOMELESS NEWS: THE LEVANT

HOMELESS NEWS: THE LEVANT

Homeless News is back and UP to the minute and ahead of the curve here. HN reports that now that the war in Iraq is back on, prepare to be inundated with pundits and politico talking-heads once again mispronouncing the name of the country. It’s not Eye-rack, it’s E-rock. Know the language. Eyerack is from the old times. George Bush times, … Continue reading

MULBERRY STAINS

MULBERRY STAINS

i won’t hate the sweat pouring down my brow here it happens i can’t fret about the muck caked on my shoes not ever i don’t mind mulberry stains on the kitchen floor on the contrary i won’t bitch cause at least it’s not winter.

OH, JANE

OH, JANE

You make me wanna Look in my hat And read the golden plates You make me wanna Run down the street And yell “life is good”! You make me wanna Welcome any challenge And embrace it fully And know that it’s right You make me wanna let out a cackle When you shyly say “fuck” … Continue reading

CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER

CHARLIE BROWN’S TEACHER

what do you hear when other people speak? dog barks alien squeaks crickets chirping babies crying? i’m moving my lips tell me what’s coming out? duck quacks pig grunts hyenas laughing charlie brown’s teacher?

SHAMPOO

SHAMPOO

no poo eat poo drink the water toilet water fake food make food not from a bag that’s from a window drive through there and then stop here don’t rinse repeat or leave your seat much indifference little inference wash your hair it shows you care.

PURE SHIKSA

PURE SHIKSA

A young girl in fishnet stockings walked by, as in too young for us. Not particularly exotic looking- maybe Italian, could be Jewish. Sometimes you can’t tell. I raised my eyebrows and looked at old Jack, then indicated the girl. “No, I like a shiksa,” he said. “Well, she may be a shiksa.” “No, I mean a pure shiksa.” “Oh, … Continue reading

FAT ELVIS

FAT ELVIS

tore up beat down lead balloon gravity all this weight it’s crushing me you cover me push me down sinkhole down low fat elvis long the night too short the day elvis decay face down i stay.

NOT TODAY

NOT TODAY

Maybe one day We both will say Today’s okay But not today My coffee spilt All over me On me it aimed My shirt it stained My car broke down On out of here I walked to work Talked to that jerk That Mr Wick He is a prick He yelled at me A jerk … Continue reading

BAY LEAVES

BAY LEAVES

“Well doc, I think I might take down the bay leaves, that’s a start. I know it’s not a New Year’s resolution per se, but a whole ‘nother year of looking at them isn’t gonna do me a hill of beans of good. I just can’t look at them up there anymore, ya know?” “I … Continue reading

PLAY

PLAY

i woke up today my head felt so thick i slipped off my boxers and took out my last night i was bad i didn’t have  luck i drank way too much i wanted to the thought of your face your body that too i can’t help but think you’re an incredible so why do … Continue reading

LESBIAN PASS

LESBIAN PASS

She talked about the dog next door. “I like him well enough. I never hear him bark. Actually you hardly even know he’s there. He looks more like a pig to me, at first that’s what I thought. But black. He walks around like a pig is the funny thing, with his nose down in the … Continue reading

BARBEAU’S BREASTS

BARBEAU’S BREASTS

So today’s the supposed end of the world and I’m still here. It’s 4:20am which is always a good time, on 12/21/12: THE END.  It’s raining and windy and cold out, and although I’m still here, I can’t vouch for anyone else.  Out there, the world may certainly have ended. I knew it was coming … Continue reading

I MISS MY JESUS

I MISS MY JESUS

I do. It’s been awhile since we had a relationship but we used to. A long time ago. I certainly was much more impressionable then. I mean after all I was just a small child. But Jesus and I had it going on really. I believed in him and felt him in my heart all … Continue reading

NANTUCKET

NANTUCKET

Dear Bitsy, Your behavior last night was abhorrent. You hit a few too many Cosmopolitans there eh girl? How many times have I told you you can’t hold your liquor like you used to? Those days are gone Bitsy. Your rambling diatribes about the “state of things” nowadays were not only misinformed and naïve, but … Continue reading

NO ONE’S LAUGHING BUT GOD

NO ONE’S LAUGHING BUT GOD

a rigmarole and confusing state of things a conundrum too a riddle and box not easy to solve or to climb out of either a joke and a hoax and no one’s laughing but god i know you’re not, right? he or she must have an oddball sense of humor or maybe he’s it god … Continue reading

THIS JUST IN: HOMELESS NEWS

THIS JUST IN: HOMELESS NEWS

We’re on the air viewers though we’ve been remiss. We’re operating on a shoe string budget as our Fund Drive yielded mostly cans of vegetarian beans. That in lieu of money, but we’re not frettin! Our next Fund Drive starts, uh now, so send what you got! You’re the ones keeping us on the air, … Continue reading

DIMPLE

DIMPLE

when grubby little fingers type mischosen little words well some well-chosen sometimes too more often not contrived derived so breezy pleasey catscratch backscratch mangle mingle mung a constant toward some better man? the great i am a happy clam so instantly insistently systemically do tell here in this space this is my place get off … Continue reading

THERE IS NO CURE

THERE IS NO CURE

Jacob sat in the doctor’s office waiting. He was filled with worry and fed up. His symptoms had only worsened and been keeping him up at night too. When he called on Tuesday for an appointment and they told him the earliest the doctor could see him was Friday, he knew he was in for a … Continue reading

YOU KNOW IT

YOU KNOW IT

We made way into the living room fashionably late, where hors d’oeuvres were laid out on the coffee and end tables, and soft music played courtesy of a harpist- a very atmospherically appealing room no doubt. It was already a bit crowded but we found a spot on the sofa by the fireplace. The crowd … Continue reading

TOUGH BLONDE

TOUGH BLONDE

I had Blondie in my head last night. While I was sleeping. Well I must’ve cause when I woke up and made way in the dark to the kitchen, I had flashes of Debbie Harry up on stage at CBGS’s. And back stage too where I had regular opportunity to mingle with her and that … Continue reading

THAT’S HOW MUCH

THAT’S HOW MUCH

She walked over with my gin & tonic. She was in way too skimpy an outfit. I put five dollars on the table and looked at her with what I hoped was an appealing expression. “You keep the change, I know you work hard. ” She put down a cocktail napkin and my drink and … Continue reading

THE LEAST

THE LEAST

the greatest of these is charity and faith and hope and kindness not the biggest or loudest or richest or brashest or that which looks most obvious its helter-skelter topsy- turvy inside-out and upside down it’s hari-kari rub your eyes and wait your turn you’ll get your chance cause the greatest of these is the … Continue reading

I REMEMBER YOUR SMILE

I REMEMBER YOUR SMILE

And it’s beautiful. I remember a time when I would see it quite often, and now that I think about it, I certainly took it for granted back then. Otherwise why would I be sitting here talking about it alone and without you? It’s been so long since I’ve seen it, and when I think … Continue reading

SWILL

SWILL

Town to town the road is clear No traffic lights for miles There is no need for gasoline Forget all of your trials Six o’clock the sun’s gone down The sky’s an amber glow I’m thinkin we could get some grub I’m starvin don’t ya know? Mr Christie said today That traffic was too bad … Continue reading

MEET JOHN TAYLOR

MEET JOHN TAYLOR

I enjoy silly string more than the average person. I laughed when Anderson Cooper got scared by the fake Bigfoot. The lady in the library’s smug for some reason. They’re mowing down trees and building roads and putting up stores and the weather’s nice and there’s lots of activity all around. I had giggles yesterday when … Continue reading

THIS THAT OR THE OTHER THING

THIS THAT OR THE OTHER THING

all i hear is talk all i see is dish and rant all i hear is squawk not much walking if it’s not one thing then it’s another that will get you all amped up here from my window i can see you there going at it again wow it’s like pressing an on switch … Continue reading

SOME PEOPLE

SOME PEOPLE

some people they no likey friendly they seem so crabby or consumed by much some people they no likey nicey they no like to play or be silly much some people they are so serious it makes me delirious or i guess it could if i think about it hard some people they no likey … Continue reading

SPAM

SPAM

sorry i missed you you went to spam hey i didn’t do it and i’m not making a value judgment bringing it up either that’s where you went they automatically delete see it wasn’t my choice so i missed the whole thing whatever you said was it something important or anything relevant? you went right … Continue reading

TOILET FACE

TOILET FACE

make the world a better place off my case toilet face spread a little love around turn that frown upside down there’s room enough for many more on our team it’s the dream so make the world a nicer place toilet face we’ve got space.

SOME OF THE TIME

SOME OF THE TIME

you make me wanna rip my eyes out puke in my own mouth and swallow it you make me wanna cut off my own ears and bleed down the side of my neck bang my face against the wall as hard as i can slice open my chest rip out my own heart throw it … Continue reading

WHERE IT’S ALL GONE TO SINCE

WHERE IT’S ALL GONE TO SINCE

I’m moving soon which is fun and having company soon after and am jazzed. Particularly as friends are moving too and having company at the same place and time- all outside under a big summer sky. I’ve been told half-jokingly I oughta “register” at Target for the affair. Half-seriously? If you’re getting married you register … Continue reading

COINSTAR

COINSTAR

Around 6am I went to the grocery store to use the Coinstar as I’m known to do and it was out of order. I jokingly and with feigned indignation dropped my tupperware of coins on the counter in front of the ready cashier and told her to “start counting”. Being the little darling that she … Continue reading

MOUSSAKA

MOUSSAKA

“I’m really mad at you, don’t you feel bad about that?” The waiter took away her menu. She ordered the moussaka, here where she says it reminds her the most of the moussaka her grandma used to make when she was growing up, the most “authentic” is how she put it, closest to real “old … Continue reading

HARD ON

HARD ON

the be all end all culmination hands-on full-on big show stopper over the topper worked so hard on all we’ve pined for going gone but here today and gone tomorrow catch it now or not at all you miss out now you’ve missed it all you show up now your skin may crawl attention grabber … Continue reading

HOMELESS NEWS SPRING PLEDGE DRIVE

HOMELESS NEWS SPRING PLEDGE DRIVE

This just in: Arthur Delaney of the Huffington Post reports that the U.S. Labor Department announced that “the economy has been steadily adding jobs, pushing the unemployment rate down to 7.5 percent from 7.6 percent.” Mr. Delaney adds, “The improvement won’t mean much to people without jobs, especially people who’ve been unemployed a long time.” … Continue reading

CHECKOUT LINE

CHECKOUT LINE

“You use humor as a defense mechanism,” she said. “No, actually I use it offensively.” The cashier asked for and scanned his Shrewd Shopper Discount Card. “The pizza’s two-for-one Sir.” “How so?” She was caught off-guard, eyebrows raised, hands on hips. “Well, you tell me. Who here’s on defense?”

SEARCHING FOR BARBEAU’S BREASTS

SEARCHING FOR BARBEAU’S BREASTS

So it’s nice but it’s creepy that I can see the google search engine terms that people type that land them on my blog. The things people are looking for! By far the most popular all-time search terms (in a variety of syntax) have to do with Adrienne Barbeau’s rack. Seriously. There are a lot … Continue reading

OH WHY OH

OH WHY OH

you’re far, far away not me i’m right here it’s you that is gone and to where i don’t know yes you now you’re gone not so long ago not me you were here i remember your eyes the last time you were here yes you now you’re gone why, oh why, oh why oh … Continue reading

THERE’S A LOT OF TALKING

THERE’S A LOT OF TALKING

Going on. Blah blah. There I’ve said it. Yippity-yap. Well I’ve said it many times before. I don’t mind listening. As a matter of fact I rather enjoy it. I find people likable and interesting enough. There’s a lot of talking on the TV and on the radio and on computers and gadgets, in grocery … Continue reading

KICKING ON THE WHIFFLETREE

KICKING ON THE WHIFFLETREE

the old gray mare isn’t there a song about her? ain’t what she used to be? what’s that about is she too old? well it was something about kicking i guess mad had about enough maybe just bored out of her skull or simply seen it all yeh maybe that kicking on the whiffletree is … Continue reading

COMPLICATIONS

COMPLICATIONS

“No I work two other part-time jobs too- one of them cleaning houses and the other picking up people’s garbage.” “Oh so like you’re a garbage woman? You ride around on the back of a truck for the county or something? In a uniform?” “No no, on my own- I have a few that I … Continue reading

SECOND STREET NORTHWEST

SECOND STREET NORTHWEST

meet me tonight down on second street northwest last night things got rowdy “not the first time” they say a gallery window was shattered last week a woman done did it threw another one in it let’s meet later on on the top of that block where italian’s the feast and the elks done get … Continue reading

SKYLIGHT

SKYLIGHT

I promise this isn’t a weather report but it DID snow overnight. And that’s funny ’cause if it snowed here, there must be an awful lot of snow in environs further north. And this with Spring only three days away! And not a moment too soon. But it didn’t snow much and it won’t be here … Continue reading

WEATHERMAN

WEATHERMAN

cats and dogs and maybe frogs it’s raining hard it’s time to slog away the day can’t work outside no option but to stay inside and hide away it’s muddy out can’t dig the earth there is no doubt i’m losing pay the weatherman won’t give me sun don’t understand why march it won’t cooperate … Continue reading

UNDERTOW

UNDERTOW

you are so funny money honey just can’t buy a better treasure than your smile across the land no sweeter treat please understand i just can’t bear another scare cause when you go the undertow pulls right on me right out to sea.

ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES

ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES

was that chicago? does anybody really know what time it is? do you really care? it’s seven-thirty no six-thirty hard to tell cause we changed the clocks what does that mean though and who do we think we are? where did that hour go? we lost it somewhere we mess around with and modify and … Continue reading

BUZZ KILL

BUZZ KILL

Fixated. On oddities. From time to time, strange little things. I face them head on when they come up. Then they go away. Until they rear their ugly heads again.  They always do. Know what I mean? I hate my neighbor. His fat, puffy face. His awkward gait. His squeaky, incoherent way of talking. Well … Continue reading

LOVE IS WHAT YOU NEED

LOVE IS WHAT YOU NEED

Remember when you told me my old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket? Well I thought about it and you’re just plain slicker than otter snot. Slicker than cat shit on linoleum. It’s so hard to deal with you.  It’s like tryin to put butter up a wildcat’s ass with … Continue reading

HOMELESS NEWS

HOMELESS NEWS

Of all the wacky things we thought Facebook might roll out for its ninth birthday, Homeless News most coveted the replacement of the LIKE button with the YAY! button. Facebook’s been flat. The LIKE overused. We really need some pep. We’d rather click on YAY! The world’s too morose. Talks of more deal-making today sent the … Continue reading