THIS JUST IN: HOMELESS NEWS

We’re on the air viewers though we’ve been remiss. We’re operating on a shoe string budget as our Fund Drive yielded mostly cans of vegetarian beans. That in lieu of money, but we’re not frettin! Our next Fund Drive starts, uh now, so send what you got! You’re the ones keeping us on the air, so thank you for donating and sharing. And here we are BRINGING YOU DA NEWS! As is usual, about the pickle we’re in.

The big collective one?

Tickle, tickle. It’s like Kukla, Fran and Ollie right? We here at Homeless News have been watching reruns via PBS, you know, at midnight? We can’t help but wonder WHY WHY? Why do cultural gems, no matter how small or tall, an Encyclopeida Brittanica’s worth,  go by the wayside? Placed on the trash head of history to forget about? WHY WHY HOW? Homeless News will get to the bottom of this. But is our world in 2013 so disparate that it’s foolhardy to think for even one cotton-picking minute indulging in a midnight marathon of a Kukla, Fran and Ollie is time well spent?

We’re fans.

TMZ reports that Mr. Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, known to you as Tom Cruise but in our news room as “that scientologist”, compared his being on location to our boys (and girls) fighting in Afghanistan. “That’s what it feels like.” he said (he did remain seated in the chair), “and certainly on this last movie, it was brutal. It was brutal.” The 51-year-old movie star then went on about his physical training and prowess and how that’s harder training than athletes preparing for the Olympics. “There is difficult physical stamina and preparation. Sometimes I’ve spent months, a year, and sometimes two years preparing for a single film,” he continued. “A sprinter for the Olympics, they only have to run two races a day. When I’m shooting, I could potentially have to run thirty, forty races a day, day after day.”

Exceptional.

We here at Homeless News are impressed! How could we not be inspired by how rigorously Tom Tom abides by his faith? If anyone can save the world that scientologist can.

He thinks so.

Moving on. Today with us in the studio, and much to our own chagrin, is Charlie the weatherman! He just got a ride in from the farm where he’s been storm chasing, and tomorrow morning he’s set to paint the basement of Mrs. Hoople’s house. Mrs. Hoople of the Hoople drugstore family? “Welcome Charlie.”

“Hi.”

After the commercial, fascinating weather facts from Charlie, and he even gets into the peculiar subculture of the secret meteorologist “underground” as he calls it, with play-by-play of how they often huddle together in the cold in the wee hours in the parking lot at the Waffle House.

Isn’t that news?  We’re up to the minute here.

Before the break CNN Headline News, a.k.a. HLN, reports that Lady Gaga reveals she’s “addicted to pot” and the pope faces “mafia risk” and a Neo-Nazi learns he’s “part-African”. Apparently those particular “headlines” trump those three kids that were shot in a Pittsburgh school, which HLN buried way down deep. Point though to the pro-gunners on this one, as Pittsburgh police spokeswoman Diane Richard says, “The victims are not cooperating with the police. We do have some leads on the actor or actors,” persons of interest blah blah nothing-speak.

Homeless News reports pro-gunners say please PLEASE arm yourselves to protect us!

Have you been paying attention? If not, we have! Yeh that and those three shot at a Nevada school with the brave Math teacher dying and those two high-schoolers shot DEAD at a Houston party with many wounded.  After the break we have Charlie, and then Homeless News self-proclaimed psychic astrologer and resident etiquette expert, Loretta Daily, who’ll wonder aloud about such things i.e. guns and SWAT teams and Lady Gaga and our children, and what the stars say about why so many aren’t paying it all much mind.

After the commercial.

Hey, we’re back! Before Charlie, this just in: Today in rural Bath County, Virginia, Austin “Gus” Deeds, 24, son of Democratic State Senator and governor-also-ran Creigh Deeds, died from a self-inflicted gunshot would. We’ve learned this happened after first stabbing his father repeatedly in the chest and face. It was immediately learned that the day before the kid tried to get the appropriate help, and we here at Homeless News can’t help but suspect due diligence was not done on his behalf.

Nor ours.

gusdeeds

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9 thoughts on “THIS JUST IN: HOMELESS NEWS

  1. Holy crap Pete. That was stinging and smashing and all manner of pushing about everything that seems to be wrong with the world. I think this is a hair further than satire, some space that isn’t often filled but I’m happy being there. I think this is the most visceral piece I’ve seen you write. I’m totally down with that.

    • No I haven’t written a book but a book’s worth! Other than my poetry chapbook New Future, which though two years ago is DATED. 🙂 Nice to see you in the blogosphere, do you have one I can check out?

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