HILL OF BEANS

Things have been better. But much worse too. I’m fully engaged, although at the moment a big part of me would rather not be. I’ve learned after all these years I won’t disengage even though I may want to. It’s just not my nature. Sure in the past I’ve disengaged and isolated and fretted and fussed and it’s never served me well, and not only doesn’t last long,  doesn’t suit me.

Not how I roll.

So right now I’m out and about, as I have to be. Well I don’t really have to be but it’s forty-four degrees in my house due to no power, and that’s just too damn cold! Why stay there? I slept well last night,  after sitting in front of a roaring hot fire I curled up in a ball under three blankets. That worked out much better than I thought it would.  I also slept well as there was NO noise whatsoever. No house noise i.e. the refrigerator, the fan I usually use, neighbors coming and going, creaky electricity humming sounds you don’t notice until they’re not there.

Dead silence, dead sleep, DEAD.

When I woke up I didn’t wanna get out of bed cause those blankets were wrapped SO tight around me and the cat was pressed up so INSISTENTLY against me and after my first attempt and assessment of the temperature, I wasn’t ready to be feeling around on the floor for my sockies!  So there I lay. And being a regular early riser it was a luxury for me to stay put. I had no hot coffee or shower to look forward to and after three days only dirty clothes to put on. My plan was to get out the door to get said hot coffee and internet access, so I was really in no hurry.

I disengaged just a little.

But not really. I did get my ass up and my camp lantern turned on and my dirty jeans and baseball cap and boots on and my cigarette lit and my ass in the car and up to the restaurant where I now sit with my hot coffee. And that’s awesome! Of course I chatted up some friendly folks here regarding the current events of the day which the last few days have been all about the electricity, and am heartened to hear that a few have their power returning. Not all yet, which is also obvious by the other dirty people I see walking around. But it’s a good sign just the same. The coffee’s good, the internet access GREAT, and what in the hell else is one supposed to do?

Keep things going.

So yeh things have been better but much worse too. I really have no interest in complaining about what’s going on as I do have a home to call my own and still enough of my health, plus I have an odd and sadistic attraction to self-deprivation and roughing it anyway. We’re just way too soft generally is how I see it. But be careful what you wish for right? Although a shower has to be in my near future- I reek!

It’s been a long week with plans foiled and we’re all challenged when we upset the apple cart aren’t we? My big moral and existential challenge lately has centered around whether being involved with certain people and in certain “projects” are worth their grain of salt.  It’s true I often break out into idioms whenever I feel unsure about how to express something. I don’t know why I fall into idiom-speak and it doesn’t really matter. Do you do that?  I just happen to heavily consider how and why I spend my time. It’s valuable. Anyway, why stay engaged if it’s not good for all?

Why be half-assed?

I guess it’s hard for me to say “screw you”, but I oughta do it more often. I always wind up sniffing up people’s asses and have to say it really stinks. I have a funny and charming acquaintance who I share things with who told me the best thing to do is do nothing and simply disengage, meaning again, do nothing. Say nothing, don’t show up, don’t reply, act as if nothing’s wrong, nor is it right.

Is that what people do?

I find that pretty half-assed myself, but at this point in time I may try it. I have a couple of situations like this right now and I guess I could look at it all as sociological experiment. I’m skeptical I’ll be successful. I mean I think I’ll either hang on and continue to try my best to make it work and engage them fully- I do think it’s the right thing to do, or I’ll simply do the “screw you” thing. Disengaging while on the surface appearing engaged seems dishonest, a ruse. But is engaging and challenging them any better?

Especially when it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans of difference?

So yeh a long week, and now the weekend! A busy and what looks like a fun week coming up and with weather up in the sixties, right on. We spring ahead and so will I. I’ll be fully engaged and hopefully my face won’t be covered in other people’s shit.

hillofbeans

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19 thoughts on “HILL OF BEANS

  1. You’re lucky you have a fireplace! Sounds like you’re handling it all very well. I’m not sure how I’d be after 3 days. As for ‘engagement’, it’s taken me a very long time, but if relationships (be they personal or business) aren’t working for me, I cut bait. Life is too short.

  2. Pete, you always hit home with these posts. Have you tried the “detach with an ax” technique? It’s what I do when I can’t do it with more grace. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Also, we have a hot shower, hot coffee, wifi, and two kids who really need someone other than me in their face. Am I enticing you…yea, I figured not 🙂

    • I am hard on myself. I may take you up on the shower and all that. Yes enticing and it sounds like mutually beneficial haha I will get back with you, thanks. 🙂

  3. Okay, first of all, FORTY-FOUR DEGREES?! Yikes! Secondly, how come a restaurant has power but not homes? Third, I don’t know who those “certain people” are in which you are considering the social experiment, but I could relate to some extent. I had certain people I had a situation with too. I tried being “fake” and pretending like all was well, but that’s not how I roll. Heh. It didn’t work, so I disengaged with those certain people. We are in contact on occasion, and things are fine, as long as we don’t have to engage for too long a period of time. And, lastly, please DO take a shower.

    • haha I will rough it baby! I’ll get a shower today, maybe. 🙂 I’m “involved”, you know, I volunteer, and often regret it. It’s a matter of balance because sometimes it does take work and time to develop into something so I do keep on. Continuing to engage wouldn’t at all be fake it’d be me being 100% committed which is the problem. Why bother when I feel the effort and time isn’t well spent? So my instinct is to cut and run, not as my good friend says to be wishy washy about it and do nothing, be involved in name only. At least if I cut/run I can put it behind me and find a better way to spend my time. But we shall see!

      Who has power at this point is spotty, which is why some restaurants have power while some homes don’t.

  4. I actually “subconsciously” thought about this and the concept my nice friend talks about of “disengaging” seems pretty passive aggressive to me. Just saying.

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