Remember when you told me my old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket? Well I thought about it and you’re just plain slicker than otter snot. Slicker than cat shit on linoleum.

It’s so hard to deal with you.  It’s like tryin to put butter up a wildcat’s ass with a hot poker! And you don’t wanna try that! It’s cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table in here and if you don’t use your head you may as well have two asses! Oh hey look over there- those girl’s jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smilin on the penny in her pocket! HMMM, nice. Do what? Well let’s make like a turd and hit the trail. I mean aren’t you and I tighter than midget pussy?

Lately I’m so poor I gotta fart to have a cent. And look at you swingin round here like a washer woman. You know I got three speeds: on, off, and don’t press your luck!  So butter my butt and call me a biscuit!

And ma’am, yes ma’am. I know you’re so mad you could spit.  But please don’t hold it against me. Or DO yes, please DO- hold it against me! I see you’re madder than a one-legged woman at the IHOP but don’t get me wrong, you can’t get blood from a turnip. Besides I already told you it’s hotter than four or five fat bitches in an Escort around these parts. And remember you told me I’m a poster child for birth control? Come on now, you hurt my feelins! Don’t sweat the petty, pet the sweaty!

Just don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya. Sounds like you’ve done seen the light and if you ask kindly, I might could, but honest sometimes talkin to you is like nailin Jello to a tree. I know the more you cry, the less you have to piss but excuse me, I don’t know what I drank last night but my mouth tastes like the bottom of a birdcage!

Just triflin.

Like my granddaddy always said:  Life is what you want, but love is what you need.


10 thoughts on “LOVE IS WHAT YOU NEED

  1. My favorite comes from the Tom Waits song Spare Parts 1 (A Nocturnal Emission): “It’s colder than a gut-shot bitch wolf dog with nine sucking pups pulling a number-four trap up a hill in the dead of winter in the middle of a snowstorm with a mouth full of porcupine quills”

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