I’m being mean to my cat. I don’t mean to be mean to him and it’s so out of character for me, but he’s whining all the time and the sound of his voice is making me literally climb up the wall.
Well not really literally.
My health insurance (or lack thereof) has forced me to change from my “indigent” full-service hospital care (with very low premiums) to the local free clinic. Now that wouldn’t be a big deal to most however I actually built up a relationship of sorts and have been very proactive with the full-service hospital team over the last year. For better or worse we have a history and they know me. Last night I had my first appointment with what I quickly learned is the impersonal and hit-or-miss free clinic. Because I have ongoing health issues that I’ve worked way too hard to “resolve”, it’s disheartening.
You get what you pay for right?
I’ve moved on except for my poor cat. Every time he meows he hits my last nerve, so I’ve been behaving passive aggressively and ignoring him and only clapping my hands loudly to try and shut him the hell up. Seriously. I know he wants food, doesn’t he know that I know? I know he wants to go outside so why ask me? Doesn’t he know we’ve been doing this for years and I’m totally with the program? He and I were sitting outside in the sun the other day and out of nowhere came the neighbor’s big dogs, who chased him into the woods and he wound up halfway up a big old pine tree. My neighbor casually came running by with their leashes in his hand and all I could muster was “Glad you’ve got those leashes”. Well needless to say I had to get him out of the tree (without the neighbor) and of course he picked a tall tree with no lower branches and I got myself all scraped up before I finally got him down. It was a real rigmarole.
And here I am withholding the love.
I guess he’s an easy target. I do know it’s me and I’m being childish and unreasonable. As if I’ll get some return for my testy attitude. Or he’ll do something different and is still “trainable” at nine years old. He’s set in his ways just like I am. And because I’m frustrated and feel like I can’t impact positive change in certain areas of my life, I look at him and he makes me cringe.
Yesterday I was disappointed in myself, and it made me mean. But today I’m over it.
We try really hard and so often don’t succeed. We keep trudging down the road out of breath and on edge- and too often without the desired results. Do you ever get frustrated about such things?
Today it’s sunny and yesterday was gloomy. And that on top of everything else affected my mood. But today the skip is back in my step. Well more of a skip anyway. On days like yesterday it’d probably be best if I just stayed in bed, eating bon bons and watching TV and allowing my world to be quiet. But that’s never really been my style, and besides, I don’t like bon bons. And there’s always tomorrow right? Or is there? For this I keep trudging and trudging and apparently trying to accomplish all the important things I need to, all in one day.
Too often I think I’m Superman.
I just don’t want to accept a fait accompli, you know what I mean? Oh Lord, did I actually just use that in a sentence? I hardly know what I mean myself!
But we oughtn’t fret over things we can’t change and should simply work on the things we can is what I’m thinking.
Note to self.