BLAME IT ON THE FBI

You haven’t seen me much lately this is true. I apologize if I need to respond to you on something, see I’ve been kinda MIA.

Blame it on the FBI.

They’re after me. A couple of days ago they came after me on my computer and ordered me to immediately buy a two-hundred dollar MoneyPak. You know what I mean, from like 7-11 or Wal-mart or CVS or someplace?  They’re after me as it’s come to their attention that I’ve either been illegally downloading and distributing copyright material or it might be child pornography- they weren’t very clear. Once I buy the MoneyPak and pay them off, I’m vindicated.

Or the computer-fix-it-man down the street can get them off my back for around a hundred bucks.

Yeh so that’s the route I’ve taken. The computer-fix-it-man has had my laptop for two days now and will magically remove the FBI by today’s close of business. Then things will get back to normal.   In the meantime, I’ve been hanging around with a big hole in my time and my thumbs a-twiddlin’ and a notebook and a pen and my oh so ever active imagination. I’m writing this by hand now. You know, with a pen.

What a concept.

I woke up at 6AM. That’s the latest I’ve gotten up in as long as I can remember. I have insomnia, you know, of the variety when one gets up too early? To wake up when the sun is actually rising is interesting for me to say the least. And why the hell did I sleep so late?

Is it because there’s nowhere to go, I mean, no web to connect to?

So yeh it’s 6AM and surprisingly cold out. I mean I guess I didn’t realize it was gonna be and I discovered it when I had my coffee brewed and went outside in my sleepy-shorts and t shirt and socks to take a sip and light a butt. I was like, “whoa”, and certainly underdressed. It struck me to get inside where it was warm and get online to check the weather.

Oh, that’s right, can’t do that.

Okay. So I have a few hours to kill this morning and have no internet, and don’t have TV anyway.  How am I supposed to know what’s going on in the world?   Could be anything really. And what the hell am I supposed to do?  I’ve taken to putting the radio and listening to NPR, you know for “something”, and browsed some books and mags and have the notebook/pen thing going on. I’ve lugged firewood, swept out my house, put a load in the washer, reconciled my bank account, cleaned up that stinky old cat litter, sat outside and reflected on my life and circumstances and then reflected on yours too, and somewhere on my way to somewhere I managed to change into long pants.

So it’s all been working out well enough.

Last night I rearranged my spare room, quite spontaneously. For some reason rearranging this particular spare room in this particular place I’m living now is one of those “always have to” type of chores that are ongoing. Right out of the gate I discovered I had to kill hundreds of stinkbugs, as they were hibernating in and behind everything, all huddled up together in little clusters of anywhere of up to fifty bugs.   As I moved furniture around and rearranged bookshelves they were falling out of everything.  I’ve taken upon the recommendation of a friend to drop the bugs in a cup of water that has liquid soap in it. And that totally does the trick- it’s fantastic.  This friend said, “once they’re in the water the soap gets on their wings and prevents them from flying.” Well it’s true.

So I have lots of dead stinkbugs if you need them. Does all of that sound cruel? I mean my lack of respect for the life of a stinkbug? Well at least there’s no need for heebie-jeebies as my spare room is now bug free.

Yesterday I had the wonderful gift of several perennial type plants from a friend who’s moving to Puerto Rico. Good for me and AWESOME for him, eh?  Puerto Rico wow, how cool is that?  I wound up spending a couple of quality hours in the warm sunshine repotting and fussing over my new plants. They joined my container garden family outside my front door. I always get a rush when my hands are in the dirt.

Aesthetically pleasing all around.

It seems not being online I’ve had to be creative and thoughtful about how to spend my time. I’ve been going to the library (two times each day) as being a working writer I do have all my “stuff” online and a “writing life” there too, thank you.   Even though I’ve been delighted working in my notebook and proud of myself for how I’ve embraced the whole what I often think of as archaic “write by hand” thing and my output has been as good as any other time, I do need to be on the web for several hours a day at least.

A lot of my life is there.

I’ve been enjoying the time offline, though it’s weird. But I’ve been more active and like I said, somewhat more enterprising. Although the FBI pressed me up in the corner, they also freed up my mind and gave me some time to reflect on the way that we live now. It’s nice to get out of my own head.

Although I thrive there, you’d never survive.

It’s gonna be an amazingly joyful experience to go to the computer-fix-it-man later and pick up my machine, geezo-wizzo. Enough already!

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3 thoughts on “BLAME IT ON THE FBI

    • The worst part was on my “budgeted” income having to pay to get it taken off. The three days without the internet weren’t too bad. Except of course getting me a bit off my stride with my writing (like this big essay about nothing!) haha Thanks for reading Sean, hope you’re well.

  1. LOVE the line “. . . sat outside and reflected on my life and circumstances and then reflected on yours too, and somewhere on my way to somewhere I managed to change into long pants.” Really wonderful . . .

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