It’s been a long, dark and cold winter and I’m more than delighted it’s spring. Now mind you, we’ve really only had a couple of days of any REAL winter this year, although it was hard to tell. That may have been a couple of days in January —oh yeh— and a few hours of snow in February.
Nothing to write home about.
But the arrival of spring and not a moment too soon has not only cheered my heart, but put the skip back in my step. And it’s not only because I’m the transcendental sort, which I am. Any year spring is more than welcome. I consider it the start of my new year actually, when all that’s been dormant, including myself, wakes up — and I’m back to shorts and t-shirts and bare feet.
The only way to live.
So the new year’s ahead and I’m not sure what it’ll bring. It doesn’t look like it’ll bring more of the same at all, which is a welcome relief. Anything different from the last couple of years is refreshing. To say these have been the worst years of my life is an understatement. To say that I’m surprised I even made it out of them alive sounds trivial. Although I did learn that it’s true that “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, although for awhile I was sure I’d shoot the person who originally said that (even though they’re certainly dead already). What a stupid cliché eh?
I don’t think I’ve a point.
Speaking of stupid clichés “be the change you want to be” and all that self-improvement blabbedy-blab yickety-yak waste-puke is all well and good. But just KNOWING that or SAYING that doesn’t really do all that much. It doesn’t change the fact that we have highs and lows, we have good times and bad, and you could put it all in a big old wooden barrel and shake it up and roll it around and there you come out, beaten down and wounded and scarred for life.
But still you.
So everything’s different now and again there’s a huge amount of uncertainty here, and maybe even just a little bit of “more of the same”, but not as much. Or just different. I’ve even accepted and embraced all that now, for better or worse. And what’s best of all is that I’ve accepted and embraced myself. It’s not at all that my expectations of myself are low, quite the contrary. They’re higher than ever. But not in a perfectionst-y sort of way. Just in a more realistic and dare I say “mature” kind of way.
Is this growing up?
It’s 2:45AM here, and the geese just flew overhead, apparently starting their day too. There’s a gentle spring rain outside and the fog is THICK, with the house open to the breeze. I’ve nothing but quiet, not an iota of internal haranguing or tension. What some call the middle of the night happens to be my regular time to wake up and start my day too. Ghandi did it, which is a joke I make about it often. Although I’m nothing like Ghandi, my making a joke of it is simply me reverting back to a defensive posture as if I have to make excuses for who I am and what I do and how I do it. But I don’t. And I won’t.
If they don’t like it, lump it!
Just how I roll. I’ve no choice but to do things my way, my natural way, and am glad for it. I’m sitting here enjoying my strong coffee (my sister-in-law calls it “crack coffee”) and having a chain-smoking session (they’re expensive and may kill me), and no matter. The world is asleep and that’s good. This is my time of solitude and reflection and contemplation, and a big part of how I find my peace.
Why mess with what works?
I don’t know how you do it, but however it is I hope you’re happy and feel comfortable about it. About just being you. And I hope you don’t feel the need to make excuses for it either. Why bother? It’s your life and I’d think it’s liberating to want to work hard and with thoroughness on being your very true and genuine and authentic self. I’ll never get away from being a self-deprecating type so will always joke about me. That’s just a part of my make up (and I’m good at it too). But that doesn’t mean that I’m not deadly serious about living the way I want and doing as I please. And trying my best to be a good person when it comes to my own personal demons and in the inevitable challenges with others, which always arise.
I’ll aspire for that high road.
And I’ll fall and I’ll stumble and then get right back up. After all as they say, tomorrow is another day. When life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Don’t cry over spilt milk.
Blah blah, yeh yeh whatever.